43 and Child-Free by Choice – No, I Won’t Change My Mind

Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson has urged Britons to have more children because of the “worrying repercussions” of a plummeting birth rate. What she seems to be forgetting is that not everyone sees having kids as the ultimate goal. I certainly don’t.

In an article for The Telegraph, Phillipson stated that too many young couples were hesitant to have children due to the high costs involved. Finances have influenced my decision not to have children. As a freelance writer I was never going to be a high earner – I have never been ambitious nor hungry enough to make a lot of cash – and I vividly remember watching my parents struggle with money throughout my childhood. They didn’t have much outside help, so to keep childcare costs down, my parents worked shifts, with my dad starting work at 6am and finishing at 2pm, coming home in time to wave my mum off to work for the rest of the day. It meant they barely saw each other except for weekends.

But it’s not just about money. Many of the girls I grew up with wanted children from an early age, but I was missing that maternal gene. My parents, and others, thought I would change my mind. But I didn’t – if anything, my resolve to stay childfree only strengthened with age.

I became an auntie in my mid-twenties, and the love I felt when I held my baby nephew for the first time was intense. I had this primal urge to protect him, but it didn’t make me broody; it was quite the opposite. I realised as I held him close to me that I would never be able to handle the responsibility and utter helplessness that comes with being a parent.

I’ve been upfront with every romantic partner about my desire not to have children, and most have accepted that. One partner initially told me he was okay with it, then waited until we moved in together to say that he secretly thought I’d change my mind. Within months, the relationship was over. A year after we split, he was married with a baby on the way.

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My twenties and thirties were filled with pregnancy announcements until I was one of only two people in my immediate friend group without children. Friendships changed, which was to be expected. I may never fully understand the intricacies and frustrations of parenthood , but I will always listen and do whatever I can to help. Having watched friends pushed to the brink financially, mentally and physically, I will campaign, fight and rage for parental rights, even if I never will be one myself.

Being childfree was always a choice, but one final thing cemented my stance. My mum died when I was 31, and I knew I would never be able to bring a child into a world in which she didn’t exist. I also never wanted to inflict the pain of losing a mother on anyone.

I am happy with my choices, and have enjoyed so many benefits from a childfree life, but this from Phillipson’s article rankles me: “Families are the bedrock of our society, and we need them to succeed.” It is hard when society perpetuates the myth that the only version of “family” is one with children. I hate to break it to you, but a family can exist without children. A life can be joyful and fulfilled without procreating. I promise you that.

People are so keen to pigeonhole women that when I got a puppy in 2022, I got called a “dog mum” as if Bonnie – the lively cocker spaniel who took over my life – was a child substitute. I would never compare having a dog with being a parent. That’s downright insulting.

I often get asked, “who will look after you when you’re old, if you don’t have children?” Firstly, old age is not guaranteed, and if you’re having a child solely to have someone look after you when you’re old and infirm, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. I’ve spent my working life building a pension, so I should have money for care when I am unable to look after myself. The last thing I want is to be a burden on any surviving relatives.

Rather than trying to guilt people into procreating because “families are the bedrock of society”, perhaps the Government could make it easier by providing more generous childcare provisions, such as tax breaks and extended, fully paid maternity and paternity leave. Rather than women feeling that their careers are being derailed or even ended by having children, companies should be compelled to offer new parents more flexible working hours and provide on-site childcare facilities.

Birth rates are declining because young people are in survival mode – they are struggling to get on the property ladder, the cost of living continues to increase, and job insecurity is rife. My friends can no longer rely on their parents to help with childcare, as they are having to work well into retirement due to economic uncertainty. Perhaps if the country weren’t in such a dire state, more people would want to raise a child in it.